


Falling alone (I didn't see you there)

by TumblingBackpacks



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, xisuma is feeling sad and the hermits are not having it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28716879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TumblingBackpacks/pseuds/TumblingBackpacks
Summary: Xisuma was sure to build an image for himself. One perfectly crafted for him to hide behind, one to make sure that no Hermit would even suspect anything was amiss, ever. There was no point in worrying anyone after all.Besides, he was fine. He was more than fine. Really. And if he repeated it enough, maybe he could convince himself to believe it.
Relationships: FalseSymmetry & Xisumavoid, Keralis & Xisumavoid
Comments: 15
Kudos: 76





	Falling alone (I didn't see you there)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Archangel7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archangel7/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Alone, At The Edge of the Universe, Humming A Tune](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28658289) by [Archangel7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archangel7/pseuds/Archangel7). 



Xisuma was conflicted. He wanted to reach out, but he didn’t want to be a bother. He didn’t want to trouble any of the other Hermits with his doubts. They weren’t that big of a deal anyway, he could deal with them alone. 

(Like he always did.)

It hurt, through. To be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. 

Despite the exhaustion that had been ever so steadily weighing on him, Xisuma tossed himself back into the swing of things. Planning the next project, making a better routine, increasing efficiency.

He checked up on the other Hermits, lending a helping hand wherever he could. They were always appreciative, and it felt nice. 

(It felt hollow.)

Xisuma was fine. He was in control. He just had to keep it up. This wasn’t a _real_ problem, otherwise someone would have noticed. It was all in his head, it was a problem with himself, which meant he was the only one responsible for fixing it. There was no point in unnecessarily involving others if he didn’t need to. 

\---

“Thanks X!” False called out before their admin flew off to do whatever his next project was. She was getting a bit worried, honestly. It was fairly well known that Xisuma had a habit of overworking himself, but it seemed like he was a bit more sluggish as of late. 

While she appreciated his help, it seemed like he might have been pushing himself too far. False noticed him swaying in place, and she had to call for his attention a few times throughout their session. She couldn’t see his face past his helmet, but she suspected he likely had eye bags that would betray his lack of sleep. 

False didn’t want to forcefully make him do anything though. She was sure that if something were really wrong, that Xisuma would tell them. That he would know the other Hermits were always ready to catch him should he fall. He knew that, right?

The more she thought about it, the less sure she became. She ultimately decided to go consult Ren with the matter.

\---

“What do you think?” False asked. 

“Aww Falsie, so caring.” Ren said with a grin, poking her in the arm. She batted his hand away, but returned his smile.

“We could set up a surprise for him?” Ren suggested. “It would be awesome, dude!”

“We could,” False nodded. Xisuma would appreciate that, right?

\---

She privately messaged the other Hermits, informing them of the idea. All of them agreed, with many volunteering to help with decorations or food or just making sure Xisuma didn’t stumble upon the surprise before it was ready. 

They decided to center it around the Town Hall, with the diamond throne being temporarily stored in a shulker box to make more room. Preparations were going well. All that was left was to call him here.

Ren gave her a supportive smile, she couldn’t wait to see how Xisuma would react. She hoped he would like it. 

\---

Xisuma looked at all the Hermits around him. He saw all the work they invested into doing something nice for him. He wanted to appreciate the effort. He really did. He wanted to smile and thank them, but he couldn't.

Instead, he breaks down. It’s too much. This is too much. Xisuma was too used to the biting edge of loneliness. Simply filling a quota for social interaction and friendly aid, but never really opening up. 

The display of concern, of _care_ , being shown doesn’t feel real. He wanted it to be. Xisuma wished so desperately for so long that someone would check in on him and show that they cared for him the same way he did for others. But seeing it right in front of him— he couldn’t accept it. It felt like something his mind would make up.

He doesn’t realize he had fallen over until he’s staring at the dirt through his visor. A hand on his shoulder, gripping it steadily. He tries to take a breath, but the air gets caught in his throat. It feels too thick, and he vaguely wonders if the air filter in his helmet had broken— but no, his helmet was fine. Then why was—oh. He’s crying. 

He attempts another gasp for air as his eyes blur with tears. He’s lost it. He tried so hard to keep it together and it was all crumbling around him. All the effort he put in, to create this image of being someone the other Hermits could trust— gone. Surely now that they’ve seen him like this, they’d never think of him the same way again. 

“Xisuma?” someone asks. He can make out a concerned tone, but can’t quite place the voice with the ringing in his ears. This isn’t real and he needs to wake up. He needs to stop torturing himself with imaginations that someone would _magically_ find him despite never speaking up. 

It was wishful thinking, Xisuma knew that. He could never get himself to accept it, and now it was all coming to a head. 

Xisuma was so, so tired. He just wished he could trust others enough to let his guard down, that he could trust himself to open up. He was always wishing, and never doing anything to change it. No wonder he blamed himself when it always stayed the same.

\---

False didn’t know how this had all gone so wrong. This was supposed to be a nice thing. She expected shock, maybe. It was a surprise, after all. But she certainly hadn’t expected anything negative to come from this. 

She didn’t think _anyone_ expected their admin to sink to his knees, practically in a panic. This was the opposite of everything they had planned!

Multiple Hermits rushed forward at once, worry overtaking them at his reaction. Xisuma was muttering something to himself, but False couldn’t make out the words. It seemed that Doc could, though, based in the frown that overtook his face as he got closer. 

“You okay?” Grian asked. Xisuma didn’t seem to recognize anyone was even around him.

Doc grabbed his shoulder, trying to pull him up, “Xisuma?”

False crouched down in front of Xisuma, trying to get his attention. He still didn’t react. “What do we do?” 

“Is he alright?” Stress asked. Iskall stood beside her, expressing the same concern. 

“There’s a few rooms on the second floor we can move him to.” Scar suggests. 

Bdubs nods, “I can lend my bed.”

Iskall picks up their still panicking admin, carrying him carefully up the stairs. Several hermits follow, and False moves next to Doc, nudging him to get his attention. “What did he say?”

“He thinks we don’t care about him,” Doc said, and False frowned. That couldn’t be true, could it? Xisuma cared so much for all of them, why wouldn’t they all reciprocate the same sentiment?

“That’s…that doesn’t seem like him.” False said. Clearly Xisuma had been keeping a lot to himself. False wished that she knew some way she could help. 

\---

Xisuma forces himself to focus, and the first thing he notices is that he’s in a bed. He’s in a significantly smaller room, but the design is clearly still the Town Hall. 

The next thing he notices is that several other hermits are in the room with him. Why were they here? They didn’t care about him enough to check on him.

“We do care for you, Xisuma.” False said. 

“You’re our friend!” Bdubs adds.

Xisuma can feel his face heating up, he hadn’t meant to say that outloud. He knew they cared about him as an admin and as another Hermit, just… just not as an _important_ friend.

_Of course_ they were his friends. _Of course_ they were. He knew that. He had spent so much time being friends with everyone. They were friends, but only on the surface level. He didn’t have the same type of close friendships that other Hermits had with each other.

“It doesn’t count though.” Xisuma said, the words slipping out before he could stop them. 

The surrounding Hermits frowned, sharing looks with each other. 

“What do you mean by that?” False asked.

He shifted his gaze to his hands, trying to convince himself he was okay. He said too much, he needed to backtrack. 

“Nevermind,” he waved his hands in a dismissive manner. “Just saying some random things. I’m fine.”

No one looked particularly convinced by his explanation. 

False sat down on the bed, the concern clear in her eyes, “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was…” he tried to think up an excuse. “I was just a bit tired. I’m all good and rested now. Thank you all so very much, but you don’t need to worry about me. You can all leave if you like.”

(He didn’t want them to go.)

“Alright.” Grian said. “But pop by later! We had a whole party set up for you! It has a ton of food! You’ll love it!”

Xisuma forced a smile, “I’ll check it out.”

The Hermits said similar offers, telling him to get more rest, to take care of himself. Then they left.

(Please stay.)

But how would they know to stay? He told them to leave. Of course they could respect his word on that. Of course they would leave, because he had _asked them to_. 

He was left alone once again. Only his thoughts to keep him company. He wished he had his music to drown them out.

\---

False peeked through the door, seeing Xisuma immediately curl in on himself once everyone had exited the room. He was trying to pretend he was okay when he clearly wasn’t. 

She considered trying to go back in, offer some words of comfort, but talking had never really been her strong suit. Ask her to take on a group of mobs anyday, and she’d gladly accept. Having a heart to heart, especially an effective one? She would try her very best for a friend, but she feared she would make it worse.

The party had been intended to make Xisuma feel _better_ , and all she had done was send him spiraling into a pool of self-doubt. Clearly all her efforts had done nothing but cause harm, no matter how well intentioned they may have been.

Instead, she decided to seek out someone else who could. 

\---

A hushed whisper-argument was happening outside his door. Xisuma could hear the voices going back and forth, the mostly silent exchange making him unable to make out the actual words. 

He noticed a flash of golden hair through the doorway as it creaked open a few moments later, but only one person entered. 

“Shishwammy!” Keralis said, crossing the room in a few paces and pulling Xisuma into a hug. 

“Keralis?” Xisuma asked as he was released from the hug. “I thought you needed to take some time away?”

“Shishwammy,” Keralis repeated with a more playfully disappointed tone this time. “Your health comes first.”

Those were Xisuma’s words. The exact ones he had said to Keralis weeks prior. Void, he was feeling hypocritical now, but he couldn’t just undo years of habits telling him to keep it all to himself.

“And I’m here to help!” Keralis punctuated the last word with a tap on his helmet, presumably in an imitation of booping his nose.

“I’m fine, really—“ Xisuma tried to insist, but Keralis cut him off. 

“Nope!” 

Xisuma didn’t know why he was even trying to get Keralis to leave. Why he kept doing this to himself. He _liked_ the company, why couldn’t he just accept it?

“Now,” Keralis said, spinning around to pace around the room. “Don’t worry your purty face because I’m going to get _you_ all comfy.”

“Thank you but this—”

“I’m doing it anyway!” Keralis flashed another smile. “We can relax and talk and—oh! I can get tea for you!” 

Keralis rushed back to the door, pausing right before he left. “Don’t you move an itty-bitty inch until I get back.”

He gave Xisuma a quick wink before slipping out, the door shutting quietly behind him. Xisuma had the time to let out another sigh before the door creaked open again. This time with False poking her head into the room. 

“Hello,” False gave him a small wave as she entered. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Xisuma responded. False raised an eyebrow, and he sighed. “Better, I guess.”

She nodded, “That’s good. You know we really do care about you.” 

Xisuma gave a hesitant nod. This was probably about what he said earlier when she had mentioned it the first time. “I know you’re saying that, but I just feel...”

“If you don’t feel comfortable sharing right now, that’s fine.” False said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid, and any of us would be open to listening when you’re ready to talk”

_Your feelings are valid._

Were they? Were they really? He had spent so long, so many hours alone obsessing over his own thoughts. Convincing himself that he was isolated. Not alone, he knew the Hermits were there if he asked them, but he could never open himself up to that point.

His emotions didn’t count because no one had noticed. He hadn’t told anyone. Logically, they _couldn’t_ know unless he told them, but he just wished that he could have that type of close relationship with someone where _he wouldn’t have to_. 

Someone who just knew. Someone who cared to check up on him in the same way he checked on the Hermits. Someone who saw behind the image of endless helpfulness and positivity without Xisuma having to say anything.

“Xisuma?” False repeated. “Xisuma.”

“Hm?” he said, looking back up at her. “I’m listening.”

False gave him a sympathetic smile. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, I can just sit here quietly.”

She pulled him into a hug, and Xisuma feared that he’d break down again. Just the comforting squeeze of another person, here _with him_ , because they wanted to be. Not because they needed anything in particular, just being in his presence. 

False released her grip, giving him a solid pat on the shoulder before moving to take a seat on the floor, her back up against the bed frame. The lack of expectations was nice. Xisuma wished he could freeze the moment. 

\---

Keralis returned a short while later, a steaming mug in hand. “I’m back!”

Xisuma accepted the tea as Keralis took a seat at the foot of his bed. False took the moment to quietly excuse herself, leaving Xisuma alone with Keralis as they sat in the relative silence. 

“Shishwammy, you know you can trust me.” Keralis said after a while. Could he?

This was his chance to say something, to voice his thoughts and let someone know rather than just hoping for it. He had to do it now, before he ended up backing out and burying the thoughts deeper than before. 

Xisuma nodded. “I know.”

\---

After Xisuma had practically spilled out his heart to Keralis, he quietly asked if he could keep it between the two of them. “I don’t want to cause a stir.” 

Keralis seemed to take personal offense to that. “Shishwammy! Everyone cares about you.”

Despite the solid comfort that Keralis had been providing, it didn’t stop the pang of doubt that settled uncomfortably in his stomach. 

It didn’t stop his mind from telling him that _no they didn’t_. That Keralis was just saying it to make him feel better. None of them had ever shown up. Not until now. After this, they’d all go back to their own business.

Xisuma shook his head, and Keralis took on a more serious expression. “We do care. I care. You worry about me, and I want to help you too.”

“I don’t know...” Xisuma said with uncertainty. “This doesn’t feel real.”

“Look into my eyes, nothing but my eyes.” Keralis made eye contact with him through his visor, seemingly peering into his soul. “‘My feelings matter too.’ Say it.”

“Keralis, thank you my friend, but this really isn’t nece—“

“Nonsense.” Keralis interrupted. “Now, say it.”

“My feelings matter too.” Xisuma parroted, desperately wishing he could force himself to just believe it. If only it were that easy. 

\---

False didn’t think it would be the best idea to continue the party after the events that occurred, and many of the Hermits seemed to share the same sentiment. She still wanted to do _something_ nice for Xisuma though. Maybe if they arranged something a little more homely?

\---

Xisuma arrived back at his base with Keralis, only to hear the noise of active chatter from inside. He walked through the doorway, looking back at Keralis who flashed him a wide grin.

“Hey, X-eye-zoomer void!” Grian said, and Xisuma couldn’t help but crack a small smile at the blatant mispronunciation. “You should stay and join us!”

“This is my base. I _live_ here.” 

Grian waved a hand. “Same difference. Now come on!” 

Keralis nudged him from behind, and Xisuma hesitantly walked over to the group. False gave him a smile as he joined in the conversation. This was nice.

\---

People came around his base a lot more often after that, and Xisuma suspected that Keralis had told the others, despite Keralis swearing up and down he did no such thing. Xisuma had eventually just dropped the topic, he liked the visits anyway.

False dropping by became a weekly occurrence. She claimed to just be flying by the area, and just wanted to drop by since her water bottle was empty.

“I drink a lot of tea,” she would say. “Sue me.” 

Xisuma would offer to fix up a pot of tea so she could refill, which she would graciously accept. They would chat in the meantime, sometimes for far longer than either of them had intended, but he didn’t really mind.

“Thanks Xisuma, you’re the best!” False smiled.

“Maybe bring extra tea next time so you don’t need to refill.” Xisuma said.

“Maybe, we’ll see.” she responded. “Later!”

Keralis stopped by a lot more often as well. Sometimes donned in his bee outfit, sometimes not, but he always greeted Xisuma with a cheery shout of his nickname and a bone crushing hug.

“Can’t breathe,” Xisuma had wheezed out once. Keralis had released his hold to allow Xisuma to take a breath before retaliating with another, equally tight, tackle hug. 

Xisuma would ask Keralis about his day as they flew around in circles around his jungle base, landing only to walk around and talk some more. Keralis would spin the question back on to Xisuma.

Xisuma tried to deflect with an “I’m fine” at first, but Keralis wouldn’t take that as an answer. He would poke and prod and tease and chatter about all the topics under the sun until Xisuma finally gave in to sharing. It was cathartic, almost. 

The other Hermits had a definite change as well. Xisuma made his regular loops to ask where he could help, and more often than not, the question was spun back on to him once he had finished lending a hand. 

Despite all the extra time he had spent with other Hermits, he was way ahead of schedule because of all of the Hermits returning the favor. The greater sense of community really warmed his heart. 

\---

It didn’t mean all of his self doubt had disappeared. It didn’t mean that everything just _magically_ got better. He still had days where he would spend far too long doing (what he considered to be) far too little.

Days where his productivity tanked and he was left to stew in his own thoughts for hours on end. But it was nice to know that even if it felt like he was falling alone in a void, someone was there to catch him. Someone had seen him fall, and was reaching out, trying to get Xisuma to take their hand.

The thought of reaching out to accept their help was still overwhelming at times, but it was a start. He was making progress. 

And for now, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> So Archangel7's fic absolutely tore my heart to shreds with hurt no comfort. Anyway, this fic was intended as an unofficial addition to theirs because Xisuma deserves at least some comfort _dangit_ and sometimes you just have to write it yourself. (Also, if you haven't read their fic yet, here's a [link](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28658289/chapters/70253037?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#main) because it's great and I love it and _gosh_ is it heart wrenching)
> 
> Comments/constructive criticism are appreciated :)


End file.
